I just lost sight of how special praying and being fully devoted is.
I don’t want to forget how I felt during Marija’s apparition. I’ve read Mirjana’s book, but I hadn’t done research on Medjugorje. My mom would send me stuff and I’d be like, “Oh ok.” I knew they were seeing Mary, but she would constantly send us stuff and I didn’t believe the call was that necessary until I’ve been here. So I didn’t know really what to expect.
As the apparition was happening, the minute she went up to look at Mary, I just started crying. My tears here have been so different. They’re big and they just come out of my eyes. I’m not sad. They just fall out of me. That happened for the first bit of it, then I was trying to calm myself. The whole time I’ve been here, I’ve been prickly, like I’ve felt electric. I was feeling that as I was crying, then all of a sudden, I felt this warmth. Not hot. Not uncomfortable. I just was warm. Then I was the most still I’ve ever been in my life.
I have pretty bad anxiety. I think I work myself up because I’m so anxious I fall into a little bit of depression. And I’m depressed so I get anxious. So for me to be so still, not even just in my mind but my whole body, I thought, “This has to be ending soon. She’s wrapping it up. It must almost be over,” because I felt such immense peace and stillness that I’ve never felt before.
It was over. Then when Marija gave Her message, she said, “She looked at each and every one of you.” I firmly believe when She looked at me, that’s when I felt that warmth, that radiation. Then She blessed us, and I think when She was blessing us is when I felt that peace that I’ve never felt before.
And I wasn’t going in there expecting I was going to feel something. So that peace at the end, I will never forget the stillness of it. I hope to never forget it.
To be so close.
Going to Mass every day has been wonderful. I went to confession for the first time in a long time, which I needed. It’s brought me back. And I can’t tackle it all at once, but I’ve made a list of what’s most important to me that I start implementing in my life to help me. Praying the Rosary every day, which I do occasionally but not nearly enough.
It’s brought me back to my faith. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, and I have never lost faith. I always knew it would be better. It would be fine. It has really brought me back to myself.
That’s why I’m like, “I’ve gotta keep coming back here.” Because I’m gonna be a better person. I’m going to start a family soon. I want to be a better mother. I’m trying to work on myself before that.