I tried to come with no expectations. I kept saying that to everybody. “I’m coming with no expectations. I’m just coming with an open heart, open mind.” I’m just saying all these words, right?
But when I was on my way here, I noticed I was starting to get a little anxious, I think partly because I could see how many people are very close to God. Even though I feel like I’m on that journey, I still felt like I’m not at that level. I started getting a little grumpy, maybe jealous. I was getting attacked a little bit.
Little by little, I felt my heart softening again.
I kept telling myself I wasn’t coming here with expectations, but I was. I was coming with the expectation of like fireworks, but I didn’t realize it. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was looking for that sign in the sky or whatever.
The biggest thing for me is that I came here with something unresolved.
I had gone to confession before I came. I wanted to be as pure of heart as I could. But I still felt heavy when I got here, and I couldn’t understand why.
When I was younger, I made some bad mistakes. I terminated two pregnancies. When I went to confession with Fr. Leon in Medjugorje, I said, “I’ve confessed it so many times and I still feel so guilty. I feel like, even though I know that Jesus forgives me, I still can’t forgive myself.”
He said, “You have to name them.”
I said, “I’ve tried, but I just can’t. I don’t know if they were boys or girls so it’s hard to name them.”
He said, “Spend some time with Our Blessed Mother, and She will help you.”
I was at the Blue Cross, I had my eyes closed and this little boy came up. I opened my eyes and there was this little boy there staring at me so I knew that one of them was a boy.
There was another little girl and she touched the Blessed Mother statue. She was older. I was like, “Okay, the other one’s a girl.”
In my mind, I’m thinking, “How do I know this is real. Maybe I’m making all of this up in my head.”
When I was at the Blue Cross, one of the names that came to me was Joseph. It was the feast day of Saint Joseph so I thought Joseph would be a good name, but if the older one was a girl, like the older child on the hill was a girl, then Josephina.
The other one was George, which had sentimental value because I kept praying that I would find a man in my life that was like my Uncle George, and then I found my husband. So the other name was George.
What I’ve learned is that, Mary is always with you. You can see Her through different people.
If you come expecting fireworks, the Blessed Mother is very quick to, through a humble way, show you that that’s not what it’s about.
Even though it’s very cool to meet Mirjana, I’ve also learned that it’s not about her. Yes, she’s a vessel for the Blessed Mother, but it’s about the Blessed Mother and it’s about Jesus Christ and it’s about being pure of heart and carrying the message out.
That’s all Mirjana’s doing. She’s sharing a message. She’s a human being.
When I came here, I got star struck at first, and now I’m like, “Okay, yeah it’s cool that Mary appears to her, but what’s more cool is that I got to hear the message. Not everybody’s so lucky to hear this message, and I want to help spread that message.”
And I do want to pray for all those who don’t know God yet because I didn’t know God for a lot of years.
I think people make a mistake sometimes when they pray for aborted babies, they forget to pray for the mothers, for the women. They don’t know God yet. They’re scared, and they’re in a very dark place. To tell you what those women look like afterwards, it’s like being in a room full of zombies. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s like they’re dead, like the walking dead. It’s something I’ll never forget, seeing all the women in a row in the room afterwards.
There are so many things that I saw. I’ve been in a very dark place. For a long time, I used to speak more about the darkness because I had been in such a dark place. Even the day of the apparition, there was someone that was possessed. What I learned from Mirjana is to not talk so much about the darkness. Talk more about the light. The enemy gives you the fireworks. Sometimes his stuff is more, “Woah.” Everyone wants to look. It’s like a reality show. Whereas, God is so much more subtle.
There’s a Bible verse that’s “Be still and know that I am God.” For me it means that our lives are so full of commotion and noise. Sometimes you do have to be still, you have to be quiet, so that you can hear God and know that God is there.
Sometimes it takes a place like this to get rid of all that noise for a second.
Sometimes we really shouldn’t preach so much and instead pray for people and listen more. When you listen then you can let the Spirit and the Blessed Mother guide you on how you should respond.
We just need to pray more and be a little less judgmental.
When I’ve tried to minister outside of clinics, even the people at my church, some of the comments they were making made me really sad because they had no idea what they were talking about.
I remember going to the clinic and looking at the signs and thinking, “These people have no idea. They have no idea what I’m going through.”
There are a lot more resources than people realize there are. I do think there needs to be more helping mothers after the fact because it’s not easy. For people that are low income, it’s very hard to find housing now. I think there aren’t enough resources to help those people. I can see where there’s a despair and loss of hope.
If someone were to come to me and need help, I think through the church we could come up with resources, we could figure out how to offer support. It’s about being there for others and giving people hope.
What I would tell them is, “The darkness that you feel after a decision like that, you’re not just getting rid of what you think you are. You really are killing your soul.”
You don’t necessarily need to preach, but you can tell your story. Through my story is how I will be able to help others, tell them how it made me feel and what a long journey I had to go through. It was much harder and tougher having to go through what I went through than if I had just surrendered to God and figured it out.
Our Lady has always been there for me and I just didn’t realize it. Ever since I was little, She’s given me signs that She’s been there for me. Jesus is always there for us too. I don’t know why we close the door. We stop loving ourselves and because you’re so upset with yourself, you don’t allow others to love you, including God. You feel like, “I’m just not worthy of God’s love or Mary’s love.” You just feel so bad about yourself.
When you realize how much God loves you and how much the Blessed Mother loves you, it’s like even when our children do something wrong, we still love them so much. No matter what they do, we still love them.